You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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