Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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