and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
