Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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