If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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