I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
