Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
