first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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