the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
