I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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