New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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