so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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