you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
