I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Please don't give away my fajitas
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
