just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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