it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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