Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
