I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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