Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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