Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
