Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
