i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
