The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Alive.
So much puke
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
