life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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