i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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