Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
