Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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