First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize