The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
