Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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