Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
there is glitter all over my balls
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
