we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
