sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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