Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
