I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
