shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
