i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
