I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
