If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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