We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
