life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
