y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
