i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize