We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just want to make out with him forever
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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