he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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