Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
