I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You dont lie about slip and slides
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
A+ Viking dick
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
