I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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