im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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