My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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