My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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