Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
