I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
