Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
