my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
