this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
