I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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