Im at strip club and am horny
Moan for me like Helen Keller
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
